From the Soul of a Young Man
by LadyHelenaGray
Summary: Mark is on his death bed. Roger is at his side, reflecting on his actions, their relationship,and wondering if it's too late for  forgiveness.
1. Frozen

**A/N**: Soooo, this is my new story, I'm a bit worried, I've never written in Roger's POV. So please review and tell me how I'm doing

The is basically Roger telling the story through flashbacks, but sometimes skipping back to present day, Christmas eve. Sorry if it gets confusing, hopefully it won't. I hope you like it.

**From the Soul of a Young Man**

I couldn't feel my fingers anymore. I tried to wrap my hands in my sleeves, but it wasn't working well seeing as they were wet. All of my clothing was soaked now, thanks to the heavy mix of snow and rain. I could barely see two feet in front of me, which made me panic even more. He could be anywhere. I wanted to run, far, fast...all over the entire city. I couldn't, where there wasn't huge piles of snow, the streets were covered with ice. I even tried to call to him, the wind was so loud I doubted he could hear me. More panic was starting to set in. I couldn't believe this was happening, it just couldn't be.

I tried thinking back to earlier this evening. It was normal, well not normal like things were, but the normal loneliness of the past week. It was Angel who told me. Collins was already out searching the streets. At first I was happy to see her, not having talked for a few months. I could tell something was wrong right away. She wasn't smiling, Angel always smiles. I asked her how she was. But instead of answering she said my name and put her hand on my shoulder. _There's something I need to tell you_. Her voice shook, and then she just came out a said it. I asked her to repeat a couple times, hoping I heard her wrong.

"But how could he...how do you know?" I heard myself say.

"Paul from life support, he talked to him a few days ago, he said he didn't look too well. No ones scene him since then."

I still couldn't understand why this was happening, though it did explain a few things. Angel and I split up after that, hopping to cover more ground. But the blizzard was so hard to get through. My heart started to twist at the thought that he had probably been out in it all day. In my desperation I started kicking through the larger snow piles, fearing that he would be under one of them. What if he just collapsed, what if he froze to death? Each kick was heart breaking, I didn't find him, yet I didn't want to.

My chest was burning, from being exhausted and from the utter pain of looking for a needle in a hay stack. But it wasn't just some stupid needle I was looking for, it was one of the most precious things in my life. I was lost. I stopped running, realizing that this was getting nowhere. Nervousness I yelled out more, hoping that he could hear me, that he was able to answer. I was breathless when I thought I heard someone answer me. But it was Collins, far up the street, yelling his name as well. I leaned against a nearby lamp post for support.

"Where are you?" I whispered looking down at the pool of light I was standing in. I turned my head, noticing how the eerily light was illuminating the ally I was standing in front of. I was about to look away when something caught my eye. Something leaning next to a dumpster. It was small, I could just make out the shape...it was a person curled into a ball. I stood still, my heart dropped as I saw it; blue and white stripes.

"Mark?" I said, my whole body numb, hoping I wouldn't find the worst. No answer. "Mark," Moving closer I call him again. Yes, it was him; I ran and kneeled beside him. His head was resting on his knees.

"Mark! Are you okay, God say something!" I slowing lifted his head, his cheeks were bright red from the cold and his clothes were soaked too. He mumbled a little. Thank God! He wasn't dead. I saw that he was holding that greenish bag of his. I wrapped it around me and tried to help him. "Mark can you hear me? Can you walk?" No answer. "It's okay, I'll get you out of here." I picked him up. He was so limp it scared me, luckily he mumbled a bit again, reassuring me that he was still alive. Finding my strength I started to run again.

"Collins!" He and Angel were both there, I caught up to them. "I found him."

"Is he?" Angel looked like she might cry.

"No. But I don't know how..." I just couldn't bring myself to say it. "Let's get him back to the loft."

We seemed to get back in no time. Collins tried the phone, but I don't think he was getting anywhere. I took Mark to my bedroom. I had the nice new double bed, were as he, the old single. I remember that day we found the bed brand new. Mark let me have it, without even a fight. I casted his bag aside and laid him down. First I needed to get his clothes off, he would freeze otherwise. I pealed his shirt off, praying that any minute he would just wake up. He didn't. He had gotten skinner too. As I worked at getting the dry garments on him, cruel irony started setting in. Just last night I kept thinking how badly I wanted to strip Mark's clothes off, how I wanted him in my bed. I never thought it would be like this. I wrapped him in my blankets, making sure he was warm. I took off his glasses. He was far paler then he should be. I press my hand to his clammy forehead.

"Damn it!" I heard from the living room.

"What going on?" I ran out.

"I couldn't get through," Collins slammed down the phone.

"What do we do?" I had never said anything so hopelessly.

"Here." Angel handed me some pills, "These might help keep his fever down."

"Still, we can't get him to a hospital, not in this weather." Collins turned to me. "This is all your fault!"

"Tom!"

"No, it is his fault! You know it, he knows it!"

"Don't you dare." I threatened. I couldn't hear him say that. I wasn't ready.

"Tom, Roger. Stop It's Christmas eve..."

"Sorry," we muttered.

"I have an idea. I have a friend, a doctor, maybe I could go see if he's home, if he will help."

"Well, you're not going out there alone, I'm coming with you." Collins put his coat back on.

"You stay here with Mark," She hugged me tightly. "He needs you, and he'll be okay, you keep him safe." She whispered.

I didn't answer not wanting her to hear the sadness in my voice.

"We'll be back as soon as we can." They left me in a far too quiet apartment.

I slowly returned to my bedroom. There he was, teeth chattering, breathing erratically, and mumbling nonsense.

"Mark" I brushed his cheek, he was so cold "Can you hear me?" I stroked his hair. "Well even if you can't... I'm here okay. And I'm not going to go anywhere this time."

My words caught in my throat. I wouldn't leave him again, I shouldn't have left him in the first place. I couldn't look at him away more, so I got up and turned on the radio, not wanting to listen to my own thoughts. _God rest ye merry gentleman_ stared to play. It was Mark's favourite Christmas song. It made me remember back to all those months ago, back to when this tragedy started.


	2. All Alone

"_Tidings of comfort and joy...Comfort and joy, oh_-Ah!"

I through a pillow at Mark's head to stop his singing. I wasn't sure why though, Mark actually had a pretty good voice, I liked it a lot. Maybe that was the reason I wanted him to stop.

"What was that for?" He through the pillow right back at me. I caught it and laid on the coach, placing it under my head.

"Well, for one it's February."

"So what?"

"It's a Christmas song. You're only supposed to sing them at Christmas time."

"I never really understood the logic of that." Mark began to wrap that scarf around his neck; I guess he must have been going out.

"What so hard about it?" I put my hands over my eyes and sighed.

"Well people sing love songs all the time, even when they're not in love, and people sing country music when they're not from the country." He pointed out.

"Mark, your logic scares me." I felt weight on the edge of the couch, no doubt he was sitting by me. I groaned.

"Why don't you come out with me? I'm going to do some filming."

"Changing things up I see."

"I take that as a no."

"How could you tell?"

"Look, Roger please don't stay in here all day." I lowered my hands and looked up at him. No one had eyes like Mark's. Many people had blue eyes, but not ones the exact bright blue of his. April had blue eyes, but were far duller then his. I think they may be more noticeable do to the fact that his face was so pale. His lips were set in his little 'I'm concerned' half frown. "How's Mimi?" I groaned again and rolled over, turning my back to him. "So, it is Mimi. What going on?"

"I don't even know anymore. Not good."

"Oh," his voice sounded funny, it always did when we talked about Mimi. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He sounded like he was about to say something, but stopped himself and got up.

"Are you sure you don't want to come with me?"

"You ask me that every day, and every day I say no. Why is that?" There was a long pause.

"I just don't like the idea of you being up here all by yourself." Why did he sound sad all of the sudden?

"How is it any different then you being all by yourself out there?" Another long pause, I didn't look at him.

"I don't know." He answered weakly.

"I think the only difference is that you don't seem to care if you're alone." Why was I being bitter? Mark didn't say anything. If that had been me, I would be mad, would have questioned this personal attack, but of course Mark didn't do this.

"I'll be back soon." And he left.

I waited for a little bit and then got up to look out the window. I saw him, watched him walk down the street until he disappeared. I stayed there even after I couldn't see him anymore. Why did I say that? I know that it did make me mad, though I never planned on telling him. Mark always seemed to be alone, and never cared. Or seemed not to care. Never got sad or angry, just went on like it didn't matter. He hadn't had a relationship in a long time. Though even when he was with Maureen, he seemed alone. I never approved of their relationship. I liked Maureen, I just don't think they were good together. I felt so odd when they broke up. I was happy, yet sad because Mark was sad.

I turned away from the window. My feelings for Mark were starting to get harder and harder to push down. I remember when I could make them go away for long periods of time. Just think of him as my friend. He was my friend, but I had been attracted to him the moment I saw him. I still remember when we met.

Collins came home one night and told me how there was this young 'film maker' that wanted to interview him about his controversial theories he had brought up in one of his seminars. He said that I might like him. So I went with Collins to meet him. He was right, I liked him, I _really_ liked him. We all hit it off and I invited him to a bar I was playing that night. He seemed to really like my music. I was glad because I was hoping to impress him. We became very fast friends, even to the point that when he said he was looking for a place to live I offered him to come be our roommate. I dropped hints about being interested in him. Maybe he didn't see them, maybe he was ignoring them, I didn't know. I wasn't sure how I wanted to tell him. I vowed one night that I would tell him no matter what after my show. But he wasn't there, later Collins told me that he was sick, but then I thought it was some sort of sign. And then I met April, and forgot about Mark.

I guess I never really forget him. He was there, so close I could touch him. Mark had been in my life for years, and now after everything we had been through, my affections were stronger than ever. Maybe it was my failing relationship with Mimi, maybe it was Mark's loneliness that I couldn't stand.

When Mark came home I made him a cup of tea and placed it on his stop at the table. That was sort of my way of saying sorry, without saying sorry. I don't think I'd ever said sorry to him. But Mark, of course acted as if nothing had happened. He took the tea and drank it, I liked to think that he knew what it meant.

"How'd it go?" He jumped a little not having seen me sit at the table.

"Oh, fine, I guess."

"That's nice." Well, it's now or never. "Can I come tomorrow?" Marked looked up wide eyed.

"What did you just say?" he looked shocked and delighted.

"I want to come film with you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"It's just you've never wanted to-"

"Well, I want to now."

"Okay." He smiled that cute little smile of his.

* * *

><p>I kept walking back and forth, back and forth from my bedroom to the living room. I couldn't look at him, it was killing me. I couldn't help him, I didn't know what to do. I would sit beside him for as long as I could endure, then run out of the room and started pacing madly. But that in its own way was even worst. What if something happened to him while I was gone? What if I came back in the room to fine him dead? I couldn't do that. I just wouldn't go back in the room. Then five minutes later I would pep my head back in the door. Oh God, was he breathing? He looked so still. He gasped loudly. Relief ran though me. I edged closer to him hoping he was waking up. But no, he eyes were closed, his lip quivering. I sat by him again just staring.<p>

"Wake up."


	3. Affection

**A/N**: Okay I will remind you now that this is rated M, and that this chapter contains sexual scenes. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Also there is a point this, I'm just being vulgar. I hope you like.

The next morning was excessively cold. Despite this I swallow all my dismay about the weather and joined Mark like I said I would. I had never seen someone get so worked up about homeless people in my life. Every time he spotted one, he would have to scurry over, and shot and or interview them. I pointed out that homelessness was not the most cheery topic in the world.

"I'm not trying to make a cheery movie here Roger. Besides I'm filming real life...real life is rarely cheery."

I think there's some wrong with him. Really. Everything he shot had to have some sad twist on it. I wasn't sure if he was t just trying to be morbid, or just attracting these things. Scary looking old people, buildings that should have been torn down years ago, a cat with a limp, weird shaped trees. I don't think it was healthy for him. Whenever I questioned his choice he would go on this long artistic rant about what made it so great. Mark's a very creative person, I give him that. He's a good director too. But still lonely. Everything about him...cold, alone. Poor Mark. Though I did like how talkative he was about his work, a nice change from him keeping to himself so much.

"Would you like to try filming something?" He asked out of the blue.

"Sure." I shrugged and took the camera.

"Be careful with it though."

"I will." I looked around and noticed a couple on a park bench across the street from us. They seemed to be fixed on each other. "February 3rd Two-ish pm, on a side walk, about four blocks from our house." I mocked him. "We see a real couple, in real life, that seem to be in love. Proof that couples are real. And people don't half to devote their lives to brooding all alone." Mark took the camera from me.

"Okay that's enough of that. Let's go."

"But why-" I felt something touch my leg. I looked down and saw that cat. "Oh, look." I reached down and started petting it. It liked me.

"Roger, be careful, it could have a disease."

"I have a disease and I still like being pet."

I laughed, he frowned.

"Roger?" I heard from behind me. It was Mimi.

"How's it going?"

"Okay." I shrugged

"Can we talk?" Her eyes looked so pleading, I couldn't say no. I turned to Mark.

"I'll be home later."

"Sure, Good, See you." He said something like that and dashed off.

* * *

><p>I remember that day, it was the day things changed. Everything, our whole relationship. The day I was tired and didn't care. I still don't regret it totally, perhaps the way I went about it, be not it. I looked back at Mark and moved my chair closer to the bed so I could rest my elbows on the edge of the bed.<p>

"I never even asked you, did I?" I asked hoping he would answer. Like he'd sit up and say 'No, no you didn't.'

"Maybe I should have, was that wrong of me? Did you want it as much as I thought you did?" I touched his hand, it twitched a little, but not because I was holding it. Maybe he'd grab on to my hand. Show me that he could hear me. I hope he can hear me.

"I didn't mean to rush you into anything you know...I just lost control."

* * *

><p>It was evening when I got home, and I wasn't happy. I didn't know what I was going to do. Mimi was an addict, plain and simple, and I wasn't sure how much more I could take. But how could I leave, I still cared for her very much. But my eyes had just been opened. Mimi gave me a goodbye kiss. It didn't feel as good as before. And to make things worse, the whole time I couldn't stop thinking about Mark. It was clear now what my next move of going to be. Forget Mimi, and go to Mark. The desire I had put off for so many years, I would give in to. I mean why not? My life's already pretty fucked up, isn't it?<p>

I opened the door. Mark was there sitting cross legged on the couch reading a book, candles all around lighting the room.

"Power's out?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Damn." I took off my jacket and sat by him. We sat in silence for some time.

"So...how'd-um- things go with Mimi?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, than." I took a deep breath, I sort of did want to talk about it.

"Do you ever think..." I started, Mark put his book down ready to listen. "About just packing up everything, and just...leaving." Mark looked puzzled.

"No, not really."

"I do sometimes." I admitted. He looked unhappy. " Sometimes, I feel like there's nothing for me here." He looked even more upset. When he spoke he sounded calm.

"Well, what about Mimi?"

"I'm just not sure about her sometimes."

"What about Collins?"

"Collins goes away looking for work all the time."

"What about-"

"And now Angel would go with him."

"There's Maureen...Joanne?"

"I'll miss them, but I'm not gonna die without them." There was another long pause.

"There's me." He said so timidly.

"I wouldn't die without you either." I laughed, Mark didn't. "I would miss you though. I'd miss all your ugly sweaters." I looked to see that he-for once- wasn't wearing a sweater, but a normal shirt. My eyes moved up to his face, the shadows flickering over his cheek bones. God, I wanted him... I edged closer, feeling my heart begin to throb. "I'd miss you a lot...Mark, when was the last time you had a girlfriend?" he look surprised by that.

"Well, I-ah..."

"When was the last time you felt really good?" I cooed touching his knee.

"Ah, what do you-"

"When was the time someone showed you their affection?" Mark cheeks went red he got up turning his back to me.

"It's dark in here! Do you think it's dark it here? I'm going to light some more candles!"

Mark was the type of person to never say what he was feeling, but try and hid it. I got up picking up his scarf. Before he could get too far, I looped it around him and pressed him against me.

"Roger!" His voice shook. I wrapped my arms his waist.

"You know what you remind me of?" I moved one hand up his back slowly, I felt his body stiffen against me. "That cat we saw today...It looked rough around the edges but really all it needed was to be touched with affection...when was the last time you were touched properly?" Mark groaned, but then pulled away, and faced me.

"Roger! I...we," I kissed him. I couldn't help it. His lips were soft and tasted sweet like oranges, he must have been drinking his tea. I deepened the kiss and pushed him against one of the wooden pillars situated in the living room. I pulled away. He looked stunned.

"I've wanted to do that for a very long time." He said nothing and I kissed he again, finally he started to kiss back. My brain was going wild and I was loving every second of it. I moved to his cheeks, his neck, every piece of skin I could fine. Soon I wanted more. I quickly unbutton his shirt, and ran my finger tips all over his pale chest. He protested a little but stopped when my lips capture his nipple. Feeling his body starting to relax, I moved my hand down to his crotch and started to rub him. I thought this may have been too bold, until his hips started to move with the rhythm. I smiled at the sound of his heavy breathing. My lips made their way back up to his ear. "I'm going to make you feel amazing." I unzipped his pants, he squirmed and was about to say something, his words caught in his throat when I started stoking him. He moaned loudly, which thrilled me. Soon I was on my knees sucking him off. By this point he wasn't protesting in the slightest. I enjoyed myself, tasting him, savouring it. It wasn't long before he came.

I never realized how much I liked making Mark happy. He sank to the floor with me. Breathing hard, cheeks red, eyes wide, not knowing what to say. I gave him a soft kiss. Then there was a knock at the door. I jumped to my feet, pissed off that such a tender moment had been disturbed. When I turned Mark was gone, having ran off to his room.

* * *

><p>Was that a mistake? Should I have been so rash? But the surprise blow job wasn't the thing that was upsetting me about that day. "I wouldn't die without you either." How could I say that? I felt like I was dying right now. He didn't grab my hand.<p> 


	4. Tea Time

**A/N:** Hello! Guess what, I have the flu! So instead of being at school, I'm sick in bed writing Fanfiction. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Anyway WARNING: this chapter contains sexual scenes and Roger being a jerk...sort of at the same time. Enjoy!

He let out a raspy gasp. His brow was furrowed and his lips trembled, opened and closed as if he was trying to speak. He seemed to be in pain. I sat up not sure what to do, putting my hand to his forehead. He felt warm and whimpered at the touch. My heart sank, feeling helpless and stupid. What could I do? The pills! Yes, they might work. I looked at Mark. How was I going to get him to take it? I couldn't exactly ask him to take them. I thought of just dropping them in his mouth, but would that choke him? I could grind them into powder, would that go down well? I could put them in a drink. Yes, I would make Mark a cup of tea.

* * *

><p>I lay in bed that night mind racing, shocked at my own actions. The first night I met Mark I wanted to reach out to him and kiss those pale pink lips. And now I had finally done it. I wasn't disappointed at all, in fact I was half contemplating going across the hall and doing it again. I still was restless and a little unsatisfied. Why did we have to be interrupted? And by Benny of all people. He came waving some notice in front of my face trying to get us to pay. A few snide remarks and I got him to leave. I moved slowly over to Mark's room. The door was closed, I knocked lightly and there was no answer. I brushed this off, maybe he really was asleep.<p>

The apartment was quiet the next morning. I ate my breakfast wondering why Mark was still in bed. He always got up before me. I snuck my way back to his room and knocked as I did last night. And like last night there was no answer.

"Mark, are you in there?"

He didn't answer me, so I decided just to go in away. He wasn't there. That was odd. Had I upset him? Despite the fact that I wasn't quite sure what I should say to him. Still I took a walk around the city looking for him in the places he told me he liked to film. There was no sign of him anywhere. Unsuccessful I headed back to the loft to fine Mark's jacket resting over a chair. He must be in his room. Trying to lure him out I made tea. I left the kettle whistling longer then I needed to making sure he could hear it. Leaving the tea cup in its place, I thought I would past the time with a little music. I looked carefully over all the cluttered surfaces in the living room for my pick. Nothing. So I searched my room, after about five minutes I found one.

I returned to see Mark sitting at the table. Since we had known each other there never been a longer, more awkward silence. We took in each other unable to say a word. Sitting, I was the first to speak.

"You were up early." He looked down into his tea.

"I couldn't sleep." His voice was dissent. "Did you take your AZT?"

_Did you take your AZT?_ God, that was such a Mark thing to say. Worry; avoid what really needed to be said.

"Yes."

"Are you almost out, I could buy more?"

"With What?" Mark did most of the shopping and always picked up my AZT. I don't know how he managed it but he was always able to afford it. "No, I'm not out yet."

"Good." He hadn't looked at me yet. I looked away from him as well. "Roger?" Mark stood up and came close to me. I merely looked at him wandering what he was going to do, even he looked unsure. After a few moments of just standing there, he bent down and kissed me. I was slightly taken aback by it, but overjoyed. To me, this was the pass to what I wanted to do so very badly. It was a soft, light kiss that ended far too soon. I stood now and wrapped my arms around him, bringing our faces inches apart.

"Roger." He said my name again, this time in a breathless gasp which made me shiver. This time I kissed more passionately. He seemed to be responding even more then last night. I kept him very tight against me, already feeling myself getting hard. He stopped me when I tried to take off his sweater.

"Oh my God. No no no..." He started to leave, going back to his bedroom. I stopped him by pinning him against the wall.

"Mark,"

"We can't." His voice was panicked.

"Mark, it's okay relax. There nothing wrong-"

"What about Mimi?" He looked scared.

"Mimi isn't here."

"But we-" I silenced him with another kiss. He pulled me off him again.

"Roger...Oh lord." I attacked his neck. "We can't do this."

"You want it, don't you?"

"What? No- I mean, it doesn't even matter. I don't want-"

"I think your body's saying something else." I pressed my hips against his, feeling his growing erection.

"That...that's just a natural reaction, It-It doesn't-"

"Oh, no, It's honest."

I looked him straight in the eye, and brushed his cheek. There was nothing left to be said. We moved to my bedroom. There weren't many words, even in the rare moments when our lips weren't glued together. Once I had gotten all his clothes off I sat back and just looked at him, he was exquisite. I passed my hands over the length of his pale body. I could never have imagined another man's skin to be so soft. I ripped off my clothes and went to my dresser to get a condom. I slipped it on and positioned myself over him. He looked to be just as excited as I was.

"Turn around." He complied. I kissed the back of his neck and then slowly down his spine. I wasn't sure how long I was there simply touching him, relishing the skin to skin contact...and then I was inside. All the waiting and all the frustration about him and my mess of feelings didn't matter anymore. Neither did any of the consequences, anything was worth this perfection. Mark's moans were with sweetest thing I had ever heard and were pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I was going rather hard, I wasn't sure if I was hurting him...I wasn't sure if I cared. Mark came first; I think it was his screams that did it for me.

We lay there listening to each other's breathing for what felt like hours. Eventually, I turned to him, gave him a quick kiss.

"You were great." I kissed his jaw line now and got up. I put my clothes back on, the whole time Mark said nothing. I left him there, went into the living room and start fiddling with my guitar.

* * *

><p>A loud creak echoed though the room as I pulled open the cupboard. I reach in and took out Mark's favourite mug, the orange one with a blue-ish design on it that looked almost like a flower. I put the kettle on and clutched the mug tightly starring into nothing. I left him there. Like I didn't care about him at all. I wondered what was going through his head, what he must have been feeling. Unwanted...used even. Why didn't I stay, if I thought he was so alone why didn't I comfort him? Make him feel loved. The water boiled. Tea always made Mark feel better, I hoped it would this time.<p> 


	5. Bad Dream

**A/N**: Guess what!...I'm still very sick, which sucks. What sucks even more is that I will need to go to school tomorrow, despite my sickness to catch up an all the work. What sucks even more then that is I have dance class tomorrow, How can dance when I keep almost falling over? Damn the flu. Anyway I can still write fanfiction, which is awesome. This chapters a bit short, hope you like it!

I dropped the pills into the hot water and mixed them around with a spoon trying to make them dissolve. I took my time not really wanting to go back in the room. I would sit there stirring until they were all gone, however long it took. Of course my worry got the best of me, and I dashed back in. There was still a big part of me that was hoping that this was some sort of bad dream. That any momnet I'd wake up and he would be okay. He looked unchanged. Which was both a good and bad thing. I took back my seat by my bed, stirring.

"I made tea." I said like I was starting a normal conversation. "It might make you feel better."

It was too quiet; the truth of the matter was starting to sink in. I felt like it was about time that I talk to him, hoping against hope that he could hear me.

"There's something I always meant to tell you...you know all those times in the past when I would make you a cup of tea? And left it for you on the table? It was sort of my way of saying sorry. I don't know if I've ever said sorry to you...at least not when I really should have. And I guess the tea was just because I wanted to do something nice for you. I should have just said sorry." I looked at him still trying to understand how this could have happened. "I'm sorry. For everything... for..."Sorry for what? Leaving him cold and alone in bed that night? All the stress I put on him? Mimi? The last thing I said to him before we parted? "Here," I didn't want to think about it anymore.

I tried to sit him up a little and put my hand on the back of his neck. I opened his mouth a little and put the cup to his lips. At first attempt I gave him a little too much, he coughed choking a little. I withdrew, frightened. But I knew I had to get all of the medicine in him for it to do anything. I tried again more careful this time.

* * *

><p>I spent the next day with Mimi. Mark and I didn't say much to each other last night, though I still did not regret it. It was the same old same old. Her pleading with me about how she was getting off the drugs. Sometimes even talking about how many days she had gone without them. But every time she would go back to them. And more so, back to Benny. There was 'nothing going on' and he was 'helping' her. I didn't believe it at all. So I didn't feel that bad about sleeping with Mark. It was almost midnight by the time I got home.<p>

Mark was looking over some old film reels when I came through the door.

"Hey, how's it going?" I smiled truly happy to see him.

"How's Mimi?" was his form of an answer.

"How she always is. Please can we talk about something else?"

"How are you?"

"Wondering how you are?" He looked up from his work be not at me.

"I'm fine." His voice was a bit hallow. I moved closer to him.

"I missed you today."

"Really? You saw me this morning."

"I still missed you...what are you doing up this late?"

"I don't even know." He laughed a little, throwing down one of the reels. I was so happy to see him smile.

"Want to go to bed?" I leaded my head on his shoulder.

"Roger?"He faced me. "Is this really what you want?"

"Of course it is." He studied my face.

"Okay then."

Much like the day before when we were done we lay beside each other saying nothing. I got up to get something-I can't even remember what it was-and I suddenly got dizzy and almost fell. Mark freaked out like he always did. He ran over to me and helped me sit back on the bed.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay."

"Maybe you should get some sleep." And I did.

I woke up, my head hurting a little bit. The first thing I laid eyes on was Mark. He was sitting up, elbows resting on his knees, staring out the window. It looked to be sunrise. A redish orange light was filling the room, falling on his white skin...it looked nice. Earlier that night I found myself thinking about him. Wondering what I really wanted from Mark. At first I thought maybe it would be a onetime thing. But after that first kiss I knew that just wasn't going to happen. Then what would we be from now on. When I looked at him I pondered this. Mark, one of my closest friends. Mark, my roommate. Mark, my lover. I rolled that around in my head. Mark my lover...yes, that sounded right. I reached out and touched his shoulder then slide my hand down his back.

"Morning." I muttered.

"Did you sleep well?" he turned to me.

"No...not really." I paused "I had a bad dream." Why was I telling him this?

"About what?" Usually I would tell him that it didn't matter at all. But there was something in the way he said it, sweet and comforting, that made me feel okay about telling him.

"About me...getting really sick." That concerned look came back, but this time I swear it made my heart melt. "It scares me sometimes." I said without thinking. He took my hand.

"Roger that's normal. But you're okay right now, just think about that." He seemed sad now. "You're here right now and that's all that matters." Mark touched my cheek so gently. Despite the sex this felt like the most intimate thing exchanged between us. "You get some rest." He took his hand away even though I didn't want him to and left the room. I wanted to fallow him but didn't, instead I just laid there thinking. Yes, the word lover suited Mark very well. I also thought about why I started this progress in our relationship. One of the reasons was because I didn't want Mark to be alone anymore...or maybe it was because I didn't want to be alone anymore.


	6. Connection

Mark and I's relationship seemed to change drastically over the next few weeks. We had never been so close yet at the same time so far apart. Most of the time there felt like there were miles and miles between us. In the morning, everything felt so cold. Mark was quiet but always gave me a warm smile and softy asked me how I slept. I never stayed with him the whole night, I always left. The rest of the day we seemed farther apart. I would go down stairs to be with Mimi. I guessed he knew where I was going, but said very little about it. Or sometimes I stay in to do some composing and he'd go out to film.

Things got I bit harder when we were out and about. Like at life support. Mark said he wanted me to start going to them with him. I went even though I wasn't really sure if I wanted to be there. I noticed something though, something that bothered me a little bit. Everyone sat in a circle, all talking, sharing stories and questions. Everyone but Mark. He stayed on the outside filming, watching. Later that day we all went out for dinner at the life cafe. We ate together like one big happy family. Maureen and Joanne were actually doing well, they've gone weeks without one fight. They seemed really happy. Then there was Collins and Angel. It was almost sickening how much they loved each other, but at the same time it was nice to see two people who loved each other that much. Then there was me and Mimi, the loving sham of a relationship. Still, on the outside we probably seemed like everything was fine. And then there was Mark, sitting on the outside of all these couples, filming, watching, listening, like he always did. He never seemed as far away as he did in those moments.

But then, when the day was over, when I got to stop pretending about what Mimi and Mark really meant to me, I would fine my little slice of bliss. I'd come home to Mark and just lose all my worries and fears in him. It was amazing, but soon the night would be over and everything would start again. I wasn't sure where this was going or if I wanted to keep things the way they were. Until one night I knew something needed to change.

One night in the life cafe, Mimi announced to me that she had gone two weeks without drugs. I told her that it was great and I was proud of her. Really I was. But she threw her arms around me, saying that it was all thanks to me. That made me feel terrible. She kissed me and everyone cheered us on.

"Aw!" Maureen's voice was louder then everyone else's "Mark! Quick, get a shot of the happy couple." My heart twisted a little when I pulled away from Mimi to see Mark looking at us stony faced. He smiled very weakly and pointed his camera at us. Mimi smiled and laughed I couldn't take my eyes off Mark. Mimi kissed me again, when I looked back up Mark was gone. I left the group early about a half an hour later and returned to the loft. Mark seemed to have locked himself in his bedroom. I knocked.

"Hey, are you okay?" No answer. "Mark." I said louder and jiggled the knob but something was holding the door shut. "Mark!"

"Go away." His voice sounded really odd. A little scratchy.

"Mark why did you leave, are you okay?"

"Please just leave me alone." He sniffled. Was he crying?

"But Mark,"

"Just go!"

I did, I quietly went off to the couch and picked up my guitar. What had I done to upset him?

We said very little to each other over the next week and there was no sex. I didn't even think about bringing it up, Mark seemed too upset. As days pasted without his touch, I realized how much I missed. He was still there but there was something about our new physical relationship that made me feel closer to him. I liked that feeling yet, I didn't feel as connected as I wanted it to be. Why were people like that? So hesitant to reach out to the others around them they wanted to be closer to.

That night was unusually cold for early March. I wrapped myself in my blanket, missing him terribly. I thought the feelings I had for Mark could be satisfied with sex...but I don't think that was true anymore. Taking a deep breath, bracing myself for the cold, I pushed back the blanket and got up. I moved through the dark, across the hall to his room. I didn't bother knocking; I just opened the door slowly so not to make a noise and closed it behind me. I think I saw him move a little, telling me that he wasn't asleep. His back was to me. I got in to bed with him. His bed being smaller than mine I had to press close to him to fit, which I didn't mind. I ran my finger down his side. He squirmed moving away a bit.

"No...Roger not tonight, I'm tired." He mumbled.

"No I don't want that right now, I," I paused a little "I just want to be near you right now."

"Really?"

"Can I stay?"

"Yes, please." I wrapped my arms round him and just held him. I never wanted to let go, he was soft and warm and gave me that sense of comfort I was looking for. We fell asleep that, It killed me in the morning when we had to part.

Mark was drinking his tea and reading the newspaper.

"Did you sleep well?" I asked as I walked by.

"Very well." I smiled.

"You know I was thinking maybe you could come filming with me again today. It was fun having company." He looked up at me hopefully.

"Oh, ah, sorry...I promised Mimi that I would-"

"Oh, okay. Yeah that's fine." He looked away. I touched his arm.

"It's just, she needs me right now...she's going through a really hard time. And I can't just leave...you understand?"

"Y-yeah."

"Thanks, I knew you would." I kissed him and left.

* * *

><p>I poured the last of the tea into his mouth; it seemed to go down easy. A drop lingered on his lips I whipped it away with a kiss. The feel of his motionless lips sadden me. I couldn't remember the last time I kissed him.<p>

"I'm sorry." I just felt like I needed to say it again. How could I think that it wouldn't bother him? I asked him if he understood, and of course he of all people would understand that people going through withdraw needed help. But how could I expect him to put up with it?

There was nothing I could do now but prey the meds would work. I left my room, instead of going back out into the kitchen I stopped, looking at Mark's door. It was the only room I had not been in since I came home. I entered, staring for a moment at his bed. That was one of the best nights of my life...realizing the simple joy of laying with him. I lay down on his bed, face down in his pillow. It smelled like him, bringing back a flood of memories. Then it seemed to become weaker, which made sense seeing as how he hadn't been in the bed for over a month. The more I smelled the weaker it got. I felt like he was slipping away again.


	7. Please Stay

**A/N:** Hello, Hopeful things aren't getting too boring, don't worry things will really heat up soon...hopefully. For now in enjoy the ups and downs of Roger and Mark.

When I came home I threw myself down on the couch, I felt terrible. Physically I was spent. It was just going to be one of those days. I should be happy, for most part my health was pretty good, but there were those times I felt to run down to do anything. I guess it just came with illness. To make things worst I just returned from a huge fight with Mimi, probably the biggest we had ever had. On the verge of tears I hid my face in a pillow as Mark came in. It sounded like he was headed to his room, then stopped and turned back.

"Roger?" He asked softy. I curled up into a sort of human ball like some type of animal, hoping that he would leave. "Are you feeling okay?"

"No." I admitted like a hurt child. He put his hand on my shoulder. I liked it. I wanted to tell him to hug me and hold me and make me feel better. Like he did before...back when things were bad.

"What's wrong?" _What's wrong?_ Well for one Mimi's breaking my heart yet the only thing I can think about is how badly I need you.

"It's Mimi."

"Oh...are you ready to talk about it now?"

Hoping my eyes were dry, I looked up.

"I caught her shooting up." My voice was more of a croak.

"Oh God,"

"And-and we had a fight yesterday too. We were suppose see each, I waited down stairs for her all night. When she got home, I asked her where she was,"

"Asked?"

"Well yelled...but she wouldn't answer me and I assumed she was with Benny...things just went down from there."

"And today?"

"I don't know...I don't think I can do it anymore. I want to help her, so bad. I don't want anything to happen to her, but I just can't put up with this."

"So...are you two done?"

"I'm not sure about for good. But for now."

"I'm sorry."

"I feel terrible."

"You don't look very good." He lightly brushed his hand over my hair. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel batter?"

"Yes." I pulled him on to the couch with me, and held on to him tightly. We spent the rest of the night our bodies entangled with each others. We even fell asleep like that. When I woke Mark was on top of me and it was very late...or early. I think I woke him when I squirmed and rubbed my eyes. He sat up quickly.

"Sorry."

"For what?" I cocked my head looking at him. "You're not exactly heavy."

"Are you feeling better?" He got up. I watched him, thinking about what he just said. Yes I did feel better, my energy was coming back, and I never felt as cozy as I did with Mark.

"Yes."

"That's wonderful."

"Wait where are you going?" He was headed off to his room.

"To bed."

"Sounds great." I sprang to my feet. "But let's go to my room instead." He looked unsure.

"But...are you really feeling better? Are you sure you're up for it?" I put my hands on his hips and pulled him close.

"Yes, you know I am. Come on." I nuzzled his neck. He groan, but not in a good way. "Please, it would _really_ make me feel better." I kissed the corner of his mouth; he smiled.

"Well," He kissed me full on the lips. "Then I'm up for too."

I collapsed on Mark's chest, breathing hard, still clinging to him. I planted one last kiss on his chest and the slid off him. The room was starting to become dimly light with morning. We were still for a few moments before Mark started to get up. At first I was always the one to leave, but after a while Mark got the hint and started leaving on his own. But today I grabbed his arm, wondering why I ever made him leave. Mark looked shocked.

"Stay. Please stay." I pulled him back down and cuddled him close, laying his head on my chest. This quickly became my new favourite position.

"You know this is my favourite part of sex." He mumbled dreamily.

"What?"

"Afterward, when everything feels beautiful and you just feel so warm and happy with...that person."

Why had we not done this before? He was right everything did seem beautiful. I was glad that Mark spoke up. I wanted to know more. I already knew a lot about him, having lived with him for so long. But I wanted to know more things like that. More intimate things.

"Mark?"

"Hmm?"

"Tell me something about yourself ..."

"What?" He seemed surprised by the question. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know...something you've never told anyone." He shifted.

"I don't know. I don't really have anything that-" He sat up. I fallowed, putting my hand on his back, hoping he wouldn't go.

"It doesn't have to be anything big, or that interesting. It could be something really small." He smiled a bit, I knew he thought of something.

"No." He laughed slightly.

"Look, I'll go first." He turned those sky blue eyes over to me.

"Do you remember the first day we met?"

"Of course I do."

"Well, I've been wanting you ever since." He looked awestruck.

"You mean...all that time?"

"Yes...I told you that I've been wanting to kiss you for a long time. I wasn't lying. And I've never told that to anyone before." I grinned and lay back down confident that he wasn't going to leave.

"Wow." He smiled sweetly. "Well I, every morning I...oh, it's silly."

"No, no it's not. Please." He looked at me quick and then looked away.

"Every morning I wake up and...and just thank God that you're still here." Now I was awestruck. Touched beyond words.

"Mark," I press him to my chest again. "It's not silly at all."

Oh, sweet, sweet Mark, how could I live without him?

It seemed from that moment on our relationship, turned into a real relationship. Not just sex but actually care and affection that we had needed so bad. More cups of tea, more little intimate actions, more laughs, and more conversions. I think I was pulling Mark farther out of his shell then I ever had and I was glad for it. He seemed a lot happier too. Everything was perfect, Mark and I were happy I had forgot all my problems with Mimi. That was until a day in late May. I was rushing up the stairs. Mark had been doing odd jobs around the city, and tonight he was making a proper supper for us. I was almost there, when I heard a noise.

"Roger?" A weepy voice called to me. I went back down a few steps to see Mimi in the hall. We hadn't talked since our fight. She looked horrible, so pale and thin. She was crying. "Roger." She ran to me, I embraced her. "God, I'm sorry I'm so sorry. Can you forgive me?" what could I say? I knew I had to stay

"Of course." She clung to me shaking. "Come on, let's get you inside." I went into her apartment, leaving Mark to wonder where I was until morning.


	8. Anything for You

**A/N:** Hellooo. Sorry it been a bit hasn't it? I've been busy, oh well. Hope you like this. Also** Warning**: Sexual content to come. I'm so happy to get to this chapter, though I'm a little scared for the next one, it's going to be a bit intense. Enjoy!

The smell was gone now, it upset me, yet I didn't get up. I was starting to get tired now. A part of me wanted to sleep, but my mind was too distraught, I didn't think I could manage it. Mark seemed so far away, almost to and unreachable point. He'd be okay though...he had to be. Angel and Collins hadn't returned yet, that worried me. I looked up at the clock to see that they had been gone little over an hour. That seemed forever ago. Things felt timeless, I wanted time to move faster...and slower. I wanted this torturous waiting to be over. But what if these were my final moments with Mark? Then I wanted them to last a lifetime. That was something I needed to start thinking about. What would happen if he died? My heart throbbed, almost in real pain. No, I pushed the thought away again.

Slowly I got up, taking another look around the room. His room. I moved back to my room. It was frightening how pale and cold he looked. He appeared so peaceful, yet sick at the same time. I rolled down the blankets a little mid way down his torso. I put my hand on his bare chest, right over his heart. I wanted to feel it beating; I could, barley.

"You need to get better." I rubbed the spot a little "For me, okay? I remember one time you said you'd do anything for me." I then remembered the conversation we had which lead to him saying that, and I stopped putting my head down in shame. He shivered a bit so I put his blankets back up. Still overwhelmed by everything I kicked the air with anger. But my foot collided with something. It was Mark's satchel, I had spilled its contents all over the floor. I began to put everything back, eventually my hand reached for a book which had fallen open. I was about to stick it back in the bag when I saw something that almost made my heart stop. I wasn't trying to look- I knew it was Mark's diary- but my eyes fell upon a sentence. No, I read it wrong, that was it. It didn't say that, It couldn't. Could it? I sat there frozen on the floor, one hand clutching his bag, the other the book. I almost didn't look again, but I had to. I looked down and read the sentence again. I snapped the book tight after that, not wanting to see anymore.

A cold, sick sensation came over me. That was how he did it, God it made sense now. He started to look frail and sickly even before we left. I felt terrible. That was it; I was the worst person in the world. Numbly walked out of the room. Why the hell would he do something like that? I didn't know if I wanted to cry or hit him. Lord...he really would do anything for me. I sat on the couch, that sentence running through my mind over and over again.

"_So what if I have go without a few meals? It's worth it if Roger can have his AZT._"

* * *

><p>Mark's eyes looked watery and tired that morning. Over all he looked a bit flushed. He was sitting on the ledge by the window, chin resting on his knees. I wonder if I should venture talking to him now? Would that make things worse?<p>

"Mark," I called from the kitchen table, he made no reaction. "Would you like some tea?" It seemed that my usual solution of drowning our problems in tea wasn't going to work this time. Again he said nothing. I crept up to him hoping he would look at me. I sat beside him.

"So, you've been quiet the last few days." I pointed. He kept looking out the window.

"You went back to her." His voice was scratchy and I couldn't tell if he meant it as a question or not.

"Yes...I had to."

"No you didn't." He snapped, seeming colder than he ever.

"I have to be there for her. She needs me."

"Not as a boyfriend who keeps leaving and coming back and leaving, back and forth. She doesn't need that, _no one_ needs that." He snapped again, this time speaking very fast.

"So what the hell am I suppose to do then? Just let her get sick and die!"

"No. But leading her on isn't a great thing...that is if you're leading her on."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"It doesn't matter." This frustrated me.

"God, I have to deal with Mimi all day the last thing I need is to come home to you bitching at me because I'm not doing the 'right' thing. Well, what is the right thing!"

"I don't know..."

"I just wish you could understand." I was trying to calm myself.

"I'm trying."

"She wants us to be together. And I agreed because if I hurt her...I just don't want her to do anything, I want to keep her happy, I don't want to harm her chances. You understand?"

"Yes." But it was a weak yes that sound beaten down.

"And," God I hope he doesn't kill me for bring this up. "That's why you can't ever tell her about us. Never, we can't upset her." I was half expecting Mark to start go on about how lying to her wasn't fair, but he didn't. "Please do this for me." I pleaded.

"I'd do anything for you." He stated simply. His voice was hallow almost like the fact hurt him.

"Thank you." I kissed him and went.

Since then our relationship wasn't really on track until about two weeks later. We were in bed, is head was lying on my chest.

"I love listening to your heart beat. It's my favourite sound." It was then that I remembered his sweetness and was engulfed with desire for him. Moments later we were having what could only be called the hottest sex we had ever had.

I licked and kissed his lips; that night I had no mercy and would tease him terribly.

"Roger," he whimpered. I was going painfully slow. I could tell by the pleading look in his eyes he wanted me to go faster, but right now I simply enjoyed his lips. I loved seeing what kind of moans I could pull from him. Kissing his neck he gave me a soft, light moan. Next I grabbed his cock tightly causing him to let out a deep throaty shout. I started going harder now, more moans and sweet touches. Both, close are bodies started to go mad with pleasure. I kissed him again, more passionately, tasting every inch of his mouth. I pulled away, our eyes met and bored into each others.

"Oh, God..." He put his head back sighing deeply then brought his eyes back to mine. "R-Roger...I love you!" He called breathlessly. I couldn't think, I just reacted.

"I love you too!" The ecstasy running through us became unbearable and we both came. I bent down and licked his cum off his stomach. I looked waiting to see that 'that's kind of gross but really hot' look he gave me sometimes, but no, there was a look of shock on his face. Then the realization came over me too. I had just said I loved him. Even stranger he had said he loved me first. I looked down at Mark. Now that all the lust had been drained away I could really think. There was nothing wrong with what we just said. I did love him. I lay, taking him into my arms as I now always did.

"Mark I love you." I mumbled into his ear. He pressed himself tighter to me.

"I love you too, Roger."


	9. The One to Survive

**A/N:**Hey my lovely readers, As always I hope you enjoy even though this chapter is a bit dark.

It was cold. Freezing most likely, but I couldn't feel any of it; I was numb to everything around me. Everything but my pain. It devoured every inch of me, day and night to a point where I could barely stand being alive. I would endure, somehow. The last few days had been such a blur to me I couldn't even remember how it happened. I took it hour by hour trying not to cry, trying to ignore the hurt. Sometimes I think hearts are stronger than they should be. Why don't they just stop when they're broken? It doesn't seem fair. Then again, nothing about this situation was fair.

I put my head up and looked around, it was snowing now. Falling down from an almost black sky, on to the equally dismal looking grave yard. I never liked grave yards, Mark did, he said they had a sad beauty about them. I looked from tomb stone to tomb stone; there was no beauty here. Any beauty I had in my life now was gone. I watched the snow...it reminded me of him. Another pin in my heart, everything reminded me of him. He loved watching the snow from our window, the first snow fall of winter he would get so excited. It would make him smile so broadly. I loved his smiles...a now I'd never see them again.

They were all over there, putting down flowers or giving their last respects. I would not go over, no, I would stick to my stone cold bench. At least until they left. I couldn't bring myself to talk any of them even though they were my friends. They blamed me. How could they not? And what if they didn't, what would they say? They knew I was taking this the hardest. What if they tried to comfort me? They couldn't, _he_ comforted me. No one else could do it right but him. He always knew what to say, when I never did. That's one of the reason I chose not to speak. I just couldn't do it.

They left one by one. Angel stayed the longest, she was a mess. Eventually Collins pulled her away and they were gone. I got up, walking slowly. Not wanting to see what I knew was there. Like I would get there and it would say something else, it would all be a mistake. It wasn't. When I saw it I sank to my knees no longer able to support myself. Everything about this was wrong. I closed my eyes tight an opened them again staring straight at the grave...his grave...Mark's grave. I heart hurt beyond the point of braking. Everything was darker now, my head was spinning. I didn't know what was going on. Was I dying? Fine, I didn't care. I tried to speak but nothing would come out. What words could sum up what I was feeling anyway? With shaking hands I folded his scarf, the one he was never went without and placed it at the base of the stone. I couldn't see anymore, eyes too blurred with tears. I tried to stand but I started to fall, I reached out for support but found nothing and fell. 

I fell to the floor, my heart pounding out of my chest. Oh God, what was happening? I had to calm myself, I was shaking almost violently. I took a deep breath and looked about. I was in the loft. Not in a grave yard. My arm was hurting form my tumble from the couch. I had fallen asleep; It was dream. Heart racing I ran into my room. He was there, sickly, shuttering, and still alive. Suddenly I let out the most ghastly noise I had ever heard and slowly sank to the floor, crying harder then I had in a long time. Nothing had ever scared me so bad in my life. It felt so real. But he was here, he was still here. I had to keep saying that over and over again. He was still here ...but for how long?

I needed to be nearer to him. I stood and climbed into bed with him. I sat up, carefully wrapped the blankets around him, and held him close. He was shivering badly now, I leaned his head against my chest. I kissed the top of his head telling him that everything would be fine. This scared me almost as bad as my dream. This scene was so wrong; it wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be the other way around like when things were bad.

This reminded me of when I was going through withdraw. One night I felt like I was going insane. I was mad, screaming about everything I could think of. Then sad, crying on the floor, trying to claw my eyes out. Mark was always there. Even if he got no sleep for days, he would never leave my side...even when I pushed him away. One night I yelled at him, I even hit him a few times. But every time I sent him to the floor he would simply get back up and keep trying to help me. Even after this abuse, when I had gotten board with him and took to crying on the floor, Mark came over to me and held me. I loved it, even though sometimes when he tried this I would hit him away. He would just tell me that everything would be okay, that he was here. And that was all I really needed to know. At those times he was the only thing that seemed real in the world. I had never felt as much comfort as I did those nights in his arms.

Something Mark said to me, made me think about just how twisted all of this was. _It wasn't supposed to be like this_. Mark was the one to survive. I had never told this to anyone, especially not Mark, but I knew how I wanted to die. It may seem morbid, but when you have HIV it crosses your mind a few times. When I had to die, I wanted it to be like one of those nights. Me in Mark's arms. I'd be in pain but everything would feel so much better if I was with him. I think that would be the only place where I could die happy. And now this. This sick backwards reality I was in. What if it was really happening? What if Mark was dying in my arms? No! He was the one to survive, not me. He was the one to live a long happy life, not me. He was the one to hold the man he loved as he died, not me. I couldn't handle this, I liked the other way better. I whispered over and over how much I loved him, hoping that if I held him tight enough death wouldn't be able to catch him.

**A/N:** sorry if I scared you...

Soooo, how do you like the story so far? Good? :)


	10. Commitment

**A/N**: Okay, so I will admit that this chapter isn't my best. I was going to put this in the next chapter but I thought it was getting too long so I just had to chop this off. So...enjoy.

I began to be able to read Mark very well. Even though he had starting to talk more and sharing his feelings like a normal person, I liked being able to understand the little things. For once Mark and I were acting as one, for the most part. Mark had stopped asking about Mimi all together, which was a little odd seeing has how he usually asked every other day. He seemed to be happy so I didn't think anything of it. His overall mood was so much lighter, which, of course put me in a better mood as well. This may have been one of the best relationships I'd ever been in. It was for Mark.

One night I was sitting crossed legged on the couch playing furiously. I was so lost in my music I couldn't be bother by anything else around me. That's why I was startled to find Mark staring at me with the most tranquil smile I've ever seen.

"Don't stop." He looked dissapointed.

"Oh," I put my guitar down and picked up all the stray pieces of paper I was trying to compose on. "No, I was done anyway."

"It was beautiful." He was still smiling. I shrugged bashfully. "Was that new?"

"Sort of...It wasn't that great I might rewrite most of it."

"I loved it." He grinned.

"What's up?" I was I bit puzzled, never having seen him so joyous. .

"Oh, it's nothing." He put his head down smiling like he was almost embarrassed.

"No, tell me...come here." Mark slowly started to edge closer to me. When he got within reaching range a grabbed his arm and pulled him down on my lap. I tightened my arms around him. He giggled a little when I started nuzzling his neck. He smelled _so_ good. Mark planted a great big kiss on me before he pulled away and began to toy with my hair playfully. "Well, someone's in a good mood today." I pressed my forehead against his.

"I'm in a _very_ good mood." He kissed me again.

"What's the occasion?"

"Do I need a reason to be happy?" He breathed as a kept kissing his neck.

"Yes. What is it?"

"No, it's nothing."

"Tell me," I pressed him even harder against me. " I won't let you go until you do."

"Well then I'm never going to tell you."

"Just tell me."

He kept playing with my hair, which I liked. He was looking directly in to my eyes, which I liked even more.

"Out of all the people I've ever been with...I've never been so in love than I am with you."

I kissed him deeply.

"I love you too." I moaned in to his mouth hoping that he wouldn't notice that I didn't say the whole thing back to him.

Things like that- cuddles, kisses, I love yous, breathless sighs, passionate love making, Mark's good mood- lasted for longer than I ever thought it would. Not that I was complaining. For me life was going perfectly well, until one day when there was a drastic change in Mark attitude. He asked me if I wanted to go ran an errand with him. I told him no and he sort of snapped at me, knowing that I wasn't going because I would be with Mimi. His dark mood kept up the rest of the today. Later I was forced to barge in his room and demand he tell me what was wrong.

"Nothing, I'm fine." He was sitting on his bed fiddling with his camera. "Could you let me work please?"

"Why do you always do this?"

"Do what?"

"Never telling me what you want from me."

"I don't want anything from you."

"Yes, you do. I know you do." I sat beside him. "Just tell me...God I hate having to pulling thing out of you."

"Maybe there are some things that I just don't want to talk about? Did you ever think of that?"

Not wanting to upset him I put my hand on his knee and gave him a quick kiss.

"Look, if I do something stupid, tell me. I want you to tell me what you want." He seemed to lighten up after these words. He looked at me smiling, finding the courage to tell me what he needed.

"Commitment."

His face fall when I said nothing, staring at him blankly.

"Roger?" He's asked after a while of silence.

"Mark, I can't. I mean, maybe someday, but not now." I stated simply. What more could I say, it was the truth. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but then stopped and turned his head away. I moved closer and put my arm around him. "I'm sorry. But you know how much I care about you, and-well...you understand right?"

"Yes, I do understand." He didn't look at me. I wanted to change the subject not wanted to push him anymore.

"It's getting late, you coming to bed soon?"

"Soon...just let me finish this."

"Good," I got up not bothering to ask what he needed to finish. I turned when I reached the door. "I love you." I through I for good measure.

"I," He hesitated "I love you too." His voice hitched I bit as if it made him unhappy.


	11. Goodbye Love

**A/N:** Wooow. Big chapter. I cried a little while writing this. What's wrong with me? Enjoy, this chaps a bit long. I hope you like my non-musical version of Goodbye Love.

The new fall air was chilling the entire building. Mimi was having a bad night. We had another fight. Mark was out filming yesterday and I had decided to join him. We were walking by the Cat Scratch Club, and that's where I saw her with Benny. Mark tried to stop me saying that they were only talking, but I knew better. They were being far too friendly. I ran over to them and started yelling. Benny said nothing, Mimi was screeching at me for making a scene. I walked away claiming I never wanted to see her again. But early I came back down here to ask for forgiveness. I could tell she had been using but I said nothing. She didn't want me to go, so I spent the night with her. I lay in her bed listening to the wind beat against the window.

I didn't want to be there. It was a cold night I would rather be in my own bed my arms wrapped around Mark, nice and warm. She was asleep, she might not even notice if I left. But at the same time I didn't really want to go home either. I couldn't leave here and go back home like everything was fine. The transition between the two worlds was starting to get harder to maintain. Both of them were now demanding more of my time. Now, making one happy made the other sad. For the first time since I started this I felt like I was in two relationships at once. Maybe it was because Mimi and I had started having sex again. I wasn't my fault though, she brought it up...she would have thought something was wrong if I said no. It wasn't the same though; I didn't enjoy it as much as I once did.

We were sitting in the life cafe, Mimi on my lap, Mark sitting at other end of the table talking to Angel not paying much attention to me.

"So is it true?" I turned to Collins so I didn't have to look at Mark.

"Yep." He grinned.

"I can't believe it. Santa Fe...It's about time. You only been talking about it for years."

"Yeah, why not take a chance, there's no work here anyway."

"You going alone?"

"Hell no. My honey's gonna be by me side the whole time." He blow a kiss at Angel, she caught it. Mimi tighten her grip on me, Mark was still looking away.

"That's nice." I said my mind clearly elsewhere. "How long are you guys going to be gone?"

"I didn't know."

"Well, you'll be missed."

"Thanks. I will miss New York... But not this God damn weather. Did you guys hear that storm two nights ago?"

"Was it possible not to? It was so loud."

"In fact," Mimi giggled "funny story."

"Do tell."

"No, no." I tried to stop her, hoping she wasn't going to say what I thought she was.

"Well, we were in bed at the time, in the middle of...well you know. Then the there was this huge clap of thunder. And Mr. tough guy here screams like a girl, jumps off of me and falls out of bed." Of course everyone laughed at me. I was about to protest-I did not scream like a girl- when I saw the look on Mark's face. When our eyes met he got up left.

"Where's he off to in such a hurry?" Mimi asked.

"I don't know."

A few moments later I found myself running to the loft. I flung open the door to fine something I had never seen before: Mark livid.

"What is _wrong_ with you!"

"What are you talking-"

"You're sleeping with her!" His face was very red.

"Well...yeah..."

"'Well, yeah'? That's all you have to say!"

"What do you expect?"

"Why are you doing this?" He didn't answer me.

"Doing what?" I was starting to get mad. At him. At myself. I couldn't look at him, not with all that pain and fury in his eyes.

"What is with you? Do you take some sort of sick pleasure in making me feel horrible!"

"How am I making you feel-"

"By being with her."

"Mark, I thought I already talked to you about this."

"Well not enough!" He was almost breathless.

"Look," I put my hand on his shoulder. "Please calm down Mark. You know I love you I would never," He threw my hand off him.

"Don't! Don't you dare say that! I don't love me at all!"

"How could you think,"

"No, you don't love me. And you know what? I don't even know how you can look me in the eye and say that. If you loved me, you wouldn't be sleeping with her, you won't be with her at all!"

There was pause. I stood there, mouth open, Mark burning me with his eyes.

"But...I, I can't just..."

"What? Leave her? 'Cause you know what I can't do? This! I am sick and tired you acting like this. Saying you love me and then just dashing off to go be with her and come back acting like I have no right to be upset by the fact that the man I love just had sex with someone else." I couldn't take this. My eyes were flickering around the room as if for help. I wanted to fight and yell and cry and beg yet I could do nothing. "I mean what am I to you? You know, I'm not your little fuck toy, I have feelings! You don't think it hurts me to see you two together all the time?"

"Stop it! Okay, just stop it! J-just shut up and calm down. I don't need this from you!"

There was another long pause, Mark was still breathing hard.

"I can't do this." He voice was shaky and beat down. "You need to pick. Her or me."

"Mark no, can't things just go back to the way they were?"

"No they can't. I just can't take this anymore."

"But-but you don't understand I can't."

"Okay, so if you won't do this for me, would you do it for Mimi? Do you love her enough?" He said that so bitterly "What kind of person are you going behind her back like that? It's just not right." That was it, I snapped not able to take any more of this either.

"Who are you to tell me what to do? Right and wrong?" I barked at him.

"A friend...your," we both know the word lover was stuck in his throat.

"But who are you, really." I was just mad now. I wanted to hurt him for putting my in this pain. Or maybe I wanted to hurt him because I knew that I was the one putting me in pain. "Who is Mark, what does do? Well let's think. He works. All the fucking time. Maybe he lives for his work, maybe he's in love with his work? But no, really all his does is hide in it!"

"From what!" His temper was starting up to.

"From facing that fact that you're a failure! Facing just how sad and alone his pathetic little life really is! Facing the fact that everything you do is a lie! You tell other people not be numb, when that's all you ever are! You pretend to be this brilliant creator that observers life when really you just go and hide and detach from life! From everything!"

I wanted to hurt him, but not this badly. It just came out, God knows why. I looked in his eyes, believing that the part of Mark that wasn't numb I had just killed. My heart was burning with hatred for everything as I watch our relationship begin to wither and die before me.

"Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive." His voice was so raw, choked with emotion.

"Poor baby." I croaked. Why did I say that? My anger was winning out over my sadness. But that changed when I saw the look on his face.

"Yeah," he tired to swallow down the oncoming tears. "Because I just have it so easy. I'm not sick so that must mean that my life is perfect! God you are so selfless sometimes, do you know that? S-sometimes I just wish I could make you understand what I go through. Yes, you're sick. Yes that's _horrible_. But did you ever once stop to think what that does to the people around you? To me? The anger? The stress? The fear?" He was starting to cry now, hot and fresh running down his beat red face. My heart sank deeper and deeper into my chest. "Every time you say that you don't feel well...do you have any idea how the amount of stress that puts on me! Every time I think 'Oh God is this it?...I'm I going to have to watch him die? I can't do it!' I have always been there for you. And you know what the worst part is? I always will be. I just realized that it doesn't even matter, you could treat me like shit and I won't care because I love you _so_ much. Too much."

Mark let out a gasp choking on his tears. He was crying so hard. I couldn't move. I just couldn't. He was letting everything out; he'd never done this before. I wanted to touch him but didn't. What if he pushed me away? I tried to say something but couldn't, my throat was burning.

"Roger." He tried breathing through his tears. "I can't take this. It's killing me and I can't keeping doing it. You have to pick right now. Her or me." I wish I could say something. I couldn't; I just shook my head not knowing what to do. "Then I guess I have my answer." He sobbed and walked away into his room. I stood there stunned unable to move, head spinning. I shut my eyes against the tears.


	12. Leaving

**A/N**: Hey so I know it's been a bit, but I had to drop this for a bit in order to write something for Adam's and Anthony's birthdays. I'm very happy with them. Anyway, I hope you like this. I'm getting so gitty, the story's going the come together soon. :D

I clung to him still never wanting to let go. I wondered if he know I was holding him? If there was some part that could feel that there was someone here for him? Even if he could feel me there, would he really want me there after everything that happened? I wouldn't want me there if I was him. That was another fear. What if Mark was to reject me when he woke up. If he woke up. I wouldn't care in the long run. I just wanted him to be okay. I put my hand back up to his neck to yet again check his pulse. I held my breath, a second or two of panic, and then relief.

He groaned again. Was he in pain? This scared me, I didn't even know what was wrong him, let alone how to help him. I put my head down and gave him a quick kiss on the shoulder.

"What happened to you?" I whispered.

What did happen to him? I thought he had somewhere to go, how did he end up on the streets? As I lifted my head slowly, a thought jumped into my head. My eyes turned to the floor where Mark's bag was sitting. Where his journal was. No, that would be an invention of privacy. On the other hand, if Mark wrote during his time on the streets-which I know he would- he might have given some indication to what was wrong with him. That seemed to justify things in my mind. "Sorry." I said to him as I moved from under him and lay him back gently on the bed. I sat of the floor lead my back again the wall with Mark's journal in my hands wondering whether I should go through with it.

* * *

><p>Mark wouldn't speak to me. Not one word. We both said nothing to each other for the first few days. But then it was starting to drive me nuts. I was expecting Mark to simply return to me as he always did when we fought. He would say something to me-anything, it didn't matter- and suddenly everything was back to normal. But not this time. So I tried it. One day when he came home I just asked him how his day was. He walked right past me. The next day I made him a cup of tea and set it down at his spot at the table. I returned a few hours later to see that at was there, cold, completely untouched.<p>

Fine, if that was what he was going to be like that, then let him. What did it matter to me after all? I didn't care. This just meant that I got to spend more time with Mimi. And that would be my plan to forget Mark, give Mimi my undivided attention. It worked for little over a week...then she broke up with me. She said that I wasn't helping her. That Benny was, by paying for her to go to this top of line rehab. She hoped I would be happy but she just didn't want to see me for awhile.

So there I was completely alone. I went from having both to having none. Deep down I knew that I wasn't upset over breaking up with Mimi. I was upset over Mark. I couldn't stop thinking of him, day and night. So I decided to run. Upstairs in the loft as Mark and Angel said their goodbyes, Collins and I talked out side. I asked if maybe I could stay with them. Of course Collins' answer was yes. The plan was I would join them in Santa Fe in about a week, once they get settled in their temporary apartment. The planning was the easy part, next was the hard one: telling Mark.

All my stuff packed, hided away in my room for him not to see. I walked into the living room, Mark was watching something back on his camera.

"Mark?" I said in a loud but shaky voice.

He looked up at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen. My heart flipped in my chest.

"Um...there's something I've been meaning to tell you." I pulsed feeling horrible "I'm leaving."

Mark stared at me looking stunned.

"Leaving?" The first word he had said to me since our fight.

"I'm going to Santa Fe to live with Collins..." There was such a long silence, Mark put his head down.

"When?" his voice was no more than a whisper.

"Tomorrow." I noticed he inhaled sharply at this.

"What about Mimi." He spat bitterly.

"We broke up." I waited and waited for him to comment. For him to ask what this meant for us, for him to say that now there was nothing to stop us from being together. He was silent. Please, please Mark, give a sign, just one sign that you still love me...I still love you. There was nothing and my blood started to boil.

"So I guess there's nothing for me here anymore." Mark's head was still down. Please, please Mark say something. You're here, aren't you? Say something.

"I guess not...have fun."

He didn't love me anymore, did he?

I got up very early the next day. I needed time, a lot of time to think. I didn't know how I would bring myself to say goodbye to Mark. So I went for a very long walk around town. But it didn't really matter, everything reminded me of him. I decided that I would just go back to the loft, get my bags, and sneak off without a word. But when I got there I saw something I wasn't expecting: Mark and Benny outside, they looked to be yelling.

"But you can't do this!" Mark cried.

"Yes I can, may I remind you I am your landlord?"

"But-but what about..."

"Look, if you want to have a roof above you tonight you better get going." Benny's eyes shot to me and he walked away.

"I thought we were friends!" Mark yelled after him.

"What's going on?" I asked, panicked.

"It's gone, everything's gone!"

"What's gone?"

"I-I was out walking and I came back the door was locked. I saw Benny and..."

"And!" I hated Benny more than anything.

"He took all our stuff."

"What!"

"He took our stuff and locked up the building...we're homeless."

Our stuff was gone...my bags and my bus ticket. I was stuck here on the street, alone with someone who couldn't stand me.

"Where do we go?"

"Benny said that there was a homeless shelter not too far from here. But it's filling up fast, we need to get there soon."

"Well, let's go then."


	13. You Made Me Happy

**A/N:** Sorry it's been a bit...I hope you enjoy. Oh, and Warning you may not be very happy with Roger by the end.

It was very clear to me that Mark was in no mood to talk. He walked far ahead of me. I didn't bother to even try to catch up to him. Instead I stayed behind thinking over and over what had just happened. We were homeless. We had nothing. I wanted to say that at least we had each other, but I doubted that greatly. What did this mean for us? Would we be parted? But then again, so what? Was I not about to leave anyway? Then that part of me that kept wondering if I would really go through with it came back. Could I do it? Could I turn my back on him?

I looked up and realized that Mark had disappeared all together from my sight. At first I started to panic. Deep down I knew it wasn't because I was lost, but that I didn't want to lose Mark. In a few seconds I come to my senses. I walked around slowly, calmly, until I saw a large sign that read Mary's Refuge for the Homeless. I walked through the door-less entrance into a larger, dirty, almost empty room. Way over on the other end was a door. It was opened and I could see scurfy looking people gathered around being given blankets or clothing. In front of it was a desk covered in papers, there was a woman with very curly blond hair seated there. The only other thing in the room was standing far from the desk, facing the wall. Was he waiting for me? I walked up to him, still angry about taking off on me like that. My anger faded when I saw his face. He looked as crushed as the night we broke up. I wanted to throw my arms around him, but stopped remembering that I was still trying to hate him.

"Mark?"

"So it looks really nice here." He blurted, tears in his eyes.

"Nice?"

"There's food, a bed, a roof..."

"Well, that seems to cover everything..."

"You just need to-to sign up, over there." He pointed to the desk.

"I need to?" I questioned. Mark looked away.

"I...I'm not going to be joining you." He had never sounded so beat down it his life, if that was possible.

"Why?" I almost shouted at him.

"I just," he shook him head and closed his eyes. "I need some time alone...there-there's more than one shelter in the city, I know one I can go to." Now he was the one walking away, and I hated him for it. "I-I'm sorry. I know," He voice shook. "How scary this is, I'm scared, we don't know how long we'll be here, What if we get out at different times? What will happen after that." He sounded like he was on the verge of hyperventilating. "God, we could never see each other again..."

"I'm sure I'll get over it." I didn't know if it was my pride or anger that wanted to mask my hurt with coldness. Mark looked at me in disbelief.

"You-you don't even care do you? You wouldn't care if you never saw me again?"

"Maybe not." I turned, feeling his eyes on me, to what would be my new home for God knows how long, not bothering to look back.

* * *

><p>I turned the journal over and over again in my hands. That was the last thing I had said to Mark. Maybe not, maybe I wouldn't care if that was the last time I spoke to him. The last time I saw him. The last time I loved him and failed to tell him so. What he must have gone through. I had to know now. I started to flip through the pages trying to find that right date. I could find one for that day, only one a few days later. That was odd, he liked to write something every day. I began to read.<p>

_It took three day but I have at last found my little hiding place. In an ally no least. Way back, not far from a dumpster is a pile of old boxes and planks of wood. I've fashioned them into a little shelter. I hope it makes it through the winter..._

_God, what has my life come to? In less than a month I've lost everything I've ever loved. I literally have nothing. But what could I have done? What would have any true friend done? Maybe one day God will give me a break for doing this one last good deed. Maybe I was just being stupid, but the way I look back, there was no other way. _

_We were both headed toward the shelter. I was talking long strides a head of Roger, not caring to look at him. I reached the shelter and then realized that he was no longer behind me. I would look for him but first I had to make sure we were able to get in. _

_I walked to the sign up desk, to where a plump happy looking lady sat. I asked her if there was room left, she said yes. She gave me a paper to sign. _

"_You are a lucky one aren't you, darling?"_

"_I wouldn't really say I was that lucky."_

"_Well of course you are. You came just in time. There was only one spot left." _

_I think it was then my heart stopped beating. _

"_What? No, but I have I friend, he's on the street too, he needs help! Can you make room for one more?" _

"_Oh, darling," she frowned "I'm sorry but we only have so much food, so many beds we had to make a limit." _

"_But-but he can't just be out in weather like this! He's sick, He has HIV." I gasped._

_She was still frowning. _

"_I'm sorry." _

_I didn't take two seconds of thought; I knew what had to happen. _

"_Well, could you save that last stop for him? He'll be here any minute. Please he needs a place to stay."_

_She smiled warmly. _

"_Yes, of course. Will you-"_

"_Yeah, I'll be fine." I walked away from the desk, numb over what just happened. I was now still homeless, and soon to be Rogerless. That's what I thought. Like I still had him somehow. He was already gone I lied and told him that I had a place to go. But it didn't matter. He didn't care at all what happened to me, I didn't mean a thing to him anymore. Maybe I never did. _

_When he walked away he didn't look back. Maybe it was a good thing. He didn't see me cry... it was the right thing to do though. I may be freezing and hungry and without a thing, but I couldn't live with myself if I was to be safe and warm and not Roger. I should hate him and I've tried to...but I can't. _

_I've spent the past three days crying. That's all I've been doing since we broke up. I was hoping that in time they would just dry up but they haven't yet... _

_I've never felt as small, as worthless as I do right now. I have no one. Angel and Collins are in Santa Fe, Maureen and Joanne are away for God know how long on vacation with Joanne's parents, Mimi's in rehab. I won't talk to my mother. When I first moved here, thats all she would say 'You end up on the street, all artists do.' I just couldn't give that satisfaction. _

_It's odd. Even here I find myself still worrying over Roger. Was he okay? How was he handling this? Was he happy? I hope he's happy...I wonder if I made him happy...I have nothing and I still put him first. That's love I guess. _

I couldn't read anymore. I put the book away. I didn't care if Mark later noted all about his sickness. I couldn't read this. God...I can't...how could...everything I've done and still. I couldn't wrap my mind around his lie. I thought he was the one leaving me. I looked up at his shaking form.

"You made me happy." I croaked. "So, so happy."


	14. From the Soul

**A/N**: So...this is it. Mark's fate is to be revealed. Oh, I only hope it's good enough. Enjoy!

The first week was hell. Though I guess it was better than being homeless. I didn't know anyone there, nor did I plan to get to them. Everyone was divided into large groups and put in to huge stone empty rooms that became our living space. I took my foam mattress into one of the corners away from everyone. I felt like I would go crazy for a bit, but after we were given things that made me feel more at home, it changed. Like extra blankets that I attached to some old hooks on the walls to make a sort of tent. And a pen and paper so I could still try to write songs. As the weeks went by I tried hard to forget things. I had for the most part become a hermit again. I sat in my little tent, chilled to the bone by the cold December weather, and wrote. It was sad but that was my life. Until one morning.

I was just waking up, eyes still not open when I felt something hit my foot. I groaned and did nothing, and was hit again.

"Hey, wake up." A voice called. I knew that voice, but why would he be here of all places? I wiggled out of my cotton fortress to see Benny looking down at me. I was shocked. "Let's go for a walk." He said as if we were still good friends.

"Why, on Earth-"

"Just get dress and come on. Trust me." I looked down forgetting that I was only in pyjamas.

"Fine." I said, making it clear that I was not happy about this.

"So, how are things?" He asked when I joined him outside.

"Well lets think, I'm living in a homeless shelter, how the fuck do you think things are?"

"Mimi's been asking about you."

"Wonderful." I rolled my eyes.

"She doing well, she'll be in treatment a bit longer though."

"Benny, not that I don't want to hear you go on about my Ex, why that hell are you here? You finally starting to feel bad about making your friends homeless?"

"Well, yes."

"Yeah right." I started to walk away back towards the shelter. He grabbed my arm.

"No, Please. Look." He dropped some keys into my hand.

"What are these?"

"Your keys, to your apartment."

My jaw dropped.

"But, your just, what about-"

"Rant free."

"Why the change of heart?" I said in disbelief.

"I made a promise, and we've gone different ways, but you were one of my best friends."

"Wow, I can't believe this. But what about our stuff?"

"I was just bluffing to get you out, I never touch your stuff." This floored me as well.

" Thank you." I almost killed me to say that.

"It's not just me I had some convincing."

"Mimi?"

"Mark." My heart fall again.

"I saw him the other day, and I just couldn't-"

"I don't want to hear about him." I thanked him again and left it at that.

It was dusk when I walked through the door and fall to the floor overjoyed that I was not longer in the shelter. I spent the rest of the night rejoicing and spending time with my guitar, playing late into the night until my fingers were throbbing. What I looked forward to most was sleeping in my own bed. But when I put my head down on my pillow I started to cry. I was home. But home wasn't home without Mark. Later I thought of looking for him. But no, if Benny saw him, wouldn't he tell him? Maybe he chose not to come back. My thoughts darted back and forth about Mark, until Christmas Eve morning when I got a call from Collins saying they were back in town and going to drop by that after noon. I waited and waited but nothing. Nothing until that night, Angel came in looking panic stricken...

* * *

><p>I couldn't move for some time. Mark could have just left me on the street, left me to fen for myself. But instead he went in my place. God, this was my fault. He could die, die and it would be because of me. I looked at Mark. He was starting to shake more violently; he looked to be in pain. God no. Please no. Not now, this wasn't happening. I sprang to me feet, sat on the bed, and throw away the blankets so that I could press him to me.<p>

"Mark," I stared down at him. "You can't die." I shook and tears started to spill. "You shouldn't even be here. This is all my fault and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And I wish," My mind was racing it was hard to get out everything I wanted to say. " I don't know, I wish I didn't treat you the way I did. You did so much, and I," I was crying so hard I could barely talk. "I didn't notice or care and I should have. I love you. More than anyone, but I didn't...do what I should have. I was wrong. But you need to wake up, for me. You'd do anything for me. Just do this, I'll never ask for anything again. I know you probably hate me by now. I don't blame you, but you can hate me. You can never speak to me again after tonight, but please you have to wake up. I," The words stuck in my throat, the words that came straight from my soul, the words I had been trying to say for so long. I press him to me again, leaned my head on his shoulder and cried "I need you. I've always needed _you_. I just- I can't do it without you. I'm not strong enough, you're the strong one, we both know that. I _would_ die without. Mark...don't leave. I love you and I need you."

I cried wordlessly until I notice that he had stopped shaking; He'd stopped moving all together. I pulled away and shook him a little. No response. My hands went to his neck and chest, feeling and feeling for a heartbeat. Tears blurred my vision I kept feeling and found nothing. I pulled my hand away. My heart throbbed, my head was spinning. I started to wail. I screamed his name over and over letting out my anguish. I held him, sobbing hysterically.

Suddenly I stopped. I felt something. The slightest bit of a shift. And then a groan, the sweetest most beautiful groan I had ever heard. I looked down at him, his lips were open, his brow furrowed, and eyes flickered open. Then shut tight again. But I started to weep with joy.

"Wh-what..." His eyes opened half way, trying to fuscous on what was around him. I put his glasses back on him.

"Mark?" My voice didn't sound like my own.

He looked at me.

"Roger?" he voice was soft and slow. "Where...are we?"

"We're home. We're in my room."

"Why," he looked right at me for the first time. "Why are you here?"

"I found out where you really went. If I had known I would have come sooner."

"No." He shook his head and groaned again.

"Are you okay?"

"Roger, I'm-I'm so tired. Everything just hurts ..." I held him tighter.

"Angel and Collins will be here soon with a doctor, don't worry." He closed his eyes again.

"Mark, please try to listen." His weak eyes looked at me, trying to stay open. "I'm sorry, sorry for everything, if I could take everything back I would. This is my fault, I know nothing I can say could make it alright. But if you could forgive me-"

"It's okay," he smiled a little.

"_I'm sorry_." I repeated .

"I forgive you." This made me cry harder. I was overcome with joy, love, happiness; I kissed him hard but he pulled away. Did he not feel the same?

"Don't, I could be sick, you-you could catch something."

I laughed still unable to believe his devotion.

"Roger!" I heard the door fly open and more voices.

"I'm in here!" More tears came and I kissed him again.


	15. Home

**A/N**: Oh, I'm so sorry this took so long, I've been busy. But this story isn't over yet! This is a bit short but I hope you like it. :D

As Dr. Black looked Mark over in my bedroom, I set on the couch still in tears. Collins sat with me and listened to my blubbering. I don't think he could understand a word I was saying but I was happy to have him there anyway. I was beginning to think that just because Mark had woken up didn't mean that he would be okay, or survive this. Not long after the doctor entered Mark was unconscious again. My head hurt. Everything did. I wanted this night to be over, I wanted Mark to be okay. Dr. Black came out after what felt like far too long. I almost knocked him over asking what was happening. I think he was a bit annoyed with me. He said he wasn't totally sure what was wrong though he suspected his lack of strength was due to hunger. In the morning hopefully the storm was clear up and we would take him to the hospital.

After a brief exchange of hugs and explanations to Angels and Collins they went to bed. They stayed in Mark's room for the night, Dr. Black stayed on the couch. I gave him a pillow and extra blankets

"Um," I bite my lip a little "Thanks. Thank so much for coming." Perhaps he could read my expression.

"You're welcome..." his voice was deep yet thoughtful. "He means a lot to you, does he?"

"More you know." I choked, still emotion. "Is he, I mean he's, He's still going to make it, right?"

He frowned.

"I'd like to say so, but you never know. Personally I'm surprised he's didn't die from exposure already."

My heart sank a little more.

I bid him goodnight an entered my own room. Mark was asleep again, calm and breathing. I leaned over the bed and kissed him on the cheek. Then again of the corner of the mouth, making it twitch in to a bit of a smile that warmed my heart. Not wanting to disturb him I slept on the floor. It took awhile to my mind to slip into a dream-less sleep.

I woke up sore and startled by the sound bells. It took a few seconds for me to remember all the events of last night. When I did I almost banged my head off the bed side table. Mark seemed fine, I hoped he was okay. Silently I slipped out of the room not to wake the others. Dr. Black was already awake and making coffee.

"Oh, I hope you don't mind."

"No problem." There was a bit of an awkward pause.

"Merry Christmas." There was a cheer in his voice that I could in no way replicate.

"Merry Christmas, sorry you're here instead of at home." I felt in a little bad, but deep down I didn't care if he could help Mark.

"No problem. Have you looked outside, storm's past." I ran to the window to see a clear sky. "I can give you two a lift to the hospital."

"That-that would be wonderful."

"Has there been any change in his state."

"I don't think so."

In a flash my panic was back. I bolted back to the bedroom to find nothing had changed.

After getting dress I wrapped Mark up tightly in his blanket. Dr. Black had thought it best not to wake Angel or Collins. They had a very long day yesterday and probably needed the sleep. Easily I took Mark in my arms and carried him down the stairs. I walked slowly and steadily down so not to drop or startle him. When we got to Dr. Black's car I sat Mark down beside me in the back seat. It was still difficult for me to let go of him, so I held his hand the whole way there. 

I didn't go running to him as a thought I would. Instead I stayed in my chair in the empty waiting room. The doctors were looking him over, I had to stay out here in a panic over what they was say when they came out. It was last night all over again. The news was simple yet left me with so many questions. Because of the extreme lack of food and water Mark's body had begun to shut down. They wanted to keep him here for a few days keep an eye out for any heart problems. His recovery wouldn't be that fast, but I was so grateful for the fact he would recover it didn't matter.

It had begun to snow again, but not like last night. It was a light soft snow. My guilt had not gone away in the slightest. I was so torn up I didn't even know if I could look at him. Why didn't he hate me? I still wanted to see him though. I walked quietly into his room. He was awake this time, eyes barley open.

"Now, now I know were not at home..." I sat in the chair closest to the bed.

"We're at the hospital."

"So, am I..."

"You'll be okay. J-just make sure rest."

He groaned and laughed a little.

"I didn't think I can do anything but rest, it hurts to move." He closed his eyes and then looked up to me.

"I'm so happy you're here." That was when I broke down again. "Don't, don't." Mark tried to sit up to help but altimetry failed. "Don't cry." I wiped my tears away and grabbed his hand tightly.

"I'm just... I'm _so_ happy you're here too."

"It's...is today Christmas?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry you're spending Christmas in a hospital, instead of at home."

"I am home." I kissed his forehead.

I stayed with him for a few hours until he fell asleep again. When I was with him everything seemed beautiful. But as I left the concern came back. Mark didn't hate me but did he still love me? Plus, I had to come up with a way to pay Mark hospital bill and fast. Tomorrow I would going looking for a job.


	16. Forgiveness

**A/N:** I know it's been way too long. So I really hope you like this, I've very happy with this Chapter. This is the second last one so enjoy!

My fingers were starting to ach. Not from my guitar, I had only been playing for little over an hour, but from the bitter cold. Despite how hard I tried I was unable to find a job. So I took out my guitar, plopped it's case open on the grown and began to play my heart out. I have gotten some money, though nowhere near what I needed. It was freezing and I gave up. As I was putting my guitar away I heard someone call to me.

"Hey you!"

I turned to see a chubby balding man with an unusually long beard pointing at me. I rolled my eyes. This was not the first time a store owner had come at me telling me to get away from his store. I started to walk away.

"No! You, come back!" The man ran up to me, stepping in front of me blocking my way.

"Look man, I'm sorry if I'm upsetting your customers or something," I spat at him. "I'm just trying to... make ends meet."

"Is that so? Would you like a job then?"

I laughed at him thinking he didn't know what he was talking about.

"No, really do you want a job?" I looked at him dumbstruck. "Have you ever heard of Tony's Guitars?" I shook my head. "Makes sense, we're new, I'm Tony." He shook my hand; my month was still a bit open from shock. "But I've been looking for a way to get some business, Why don't you come and play some of that at my store?"

"Wait, wait. You want me to come and play at your shop? For a job?"

"Well you'd do other stuff to, you know a thing or two about guitars?" I nodded.

"Good. You're too good to be playin' on the street."

As he kept trying to talk me into taking the job, I tried to mask my joy. As we walk through the door of the neat little store I caught him looking me up and down.

"Hey kid, have you ever heard of a band called The Well Hungarians?"

My jaw dropped again.

"I- I mean you've,"

"Then it is you! I used to watch you guys play all the time, what happened?"

I gave him a very short over view of my life. We seemed to get along quite well, needless to say I took the job.

When Mark came home I was able to pay for his medicine- and mine. His state-to me at least- seemed little to no different. He was weak, fragile, and would doze in and out all the time. Again I had to carry him up the stairs and did so gladly. It was hard to leave for work and wonder all day if he was okay. At first he was too out of it to care, Later he was starting to get a little annoyed.

"Roger, I'm a bit shaky but I'm not a five year old. I can be home alone."

At first sometimes I had to prop him up as he walked, now I just watched him closely. One night he was walking to his bedroom, he stopped suddenly and starting to weave.

"Mark?" I called. He was holding his head. He started to fall and I caught him. He wrapped his arms around me for support. We clung to each other. My heart started humming to my chest. It had been so long sense I felt his body against mine.

"Are-are you okay." I was barely breathing.

"I was just heading to bed and then...I don't know I'm dizzy." He mumbled into my chest.

"Come on." I helped him into the darkness of his room and laid him down on his bad.

"Do you feel better now that you're laying down?"

"A little."

His hand was tight around mine I didn't want to let go.

"Goodnight." I got up waiting for Mark to tell me to stay, he didn't and I left.

I worked over time the night next night I didn't get home tell late. Mark was sitting at his spot table a cup of tea in his hands, another sitting at my spot.

"Cold?"

"Yeah."

I sat feeling awkward. I had not said much to him besides how he was feeling.

"I feel wonderful today. I think I'm back to normal now." The true smile on his face was starting to make me heart melt.

"Great." Our eyes met and stayed there. God I loved him so much. The longing was killing me, just the way it was almost a year ago. Mark looked away, he seemed somewhat hurt. I couldn't stand this anymore more. Mark started to leave; I got up a grabbed his hand.

"Mark...Mark we need to talk."

"About what?" he was looking away.

"Us." I grabbed his shoulders forcing him to look at me. He studied my face with wide eyes.

"Us?" His voice shook and he sat back down. I sat too, this time right beside him.

"Mark...I don't even know where to start. Everything I did-"

"You remember when I was in the hospital and you would visit my every day even when I was sleeping. Sometimes I wasn't. Sometimes I just wanted to listen to the things you'd say."

Roger blushed.

"I can't even remember everything I said."

"You kept saying that you we're sorry."

"But I am! I'm so sorry. Mark I never _never_ should have done anything!"

"You were afraid of hurting Mimi...and you were a bit stupid."

"That doesn't really justify my action."

"No, no it doesn't. You hurt me very badly."

"And I almost got you killed! I wish,"

"Roger, don't. You had no idea what would happen. That part you have nothing to do with."

"You have no reason to forgive me."

"I told you, I've already forgiven you."

Roger starred at Mark for some time before Mark returned the gaze.

"You amaze me..." Roger stood an started to pace.

"Why?"

"You're the sweetest, most loving, selfless, person I have ever met... I think that's why I love you so much."

"You..?" He didn't even need to finish for me to understand.

"Always. That is if you still..."

"Of course." He smiled back and walked slowly to me.

I reached out and ran my hand down his cheek.

"I've missed you so much."

As we gazed at each other, this time that oh so familiar heat began to grow. I kissed him hard on the lips. Our first real kiss in too long. As we pulled apart I took the opportunity to slide my tongue over his bottom lip and into his mouth. By the second our kiss became more and more passionate. In a tight embrace our hands moved up and down each other's bodies trying to touch everything at once. I ripped off my shirt in a flash, and then did away with Mark's sweater. He was thinner then he was, still just a pale though. I lowered myself kissing his chest madly, pushing moans out of him. Again I was playing my favourite instrument. My hand was in my belt ready to disrobe fully when I thought of something and pulled away completely.

"Roger?" he breathed, cheeks bright red.

"Are, are you sure you...? I mean are you sure you feel better?"

"Yes, I feel great, I feel wonderful." He came to me and undid my pants letting them fall to the floor. I practically slammed him against the wall after tarring his clothes off. I pressed against him before wrapping his legs around my waist and picking him up.

I laid him down on my bed and rubbed my hands up and down his chest. Lips still hungry I worked my way down his whole body. I paid very close attention to his thighs. They were soft and warm and I enjoyed the feel of them on my lips. Perhaps I spent too long. I didn't stop until Mark reach down and began to stroke me. I closed my eyes for a moment savouring the feeling.

"Rog, don't tease me. Take me."

"Right now?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Take me!"

And I did.


	17. Forever

**A/N:** Oh my God, last chapter! I'm so happy but I hate it because I just don't want it to end I love this story sooo much. But this is the moment I've been waiting for since chapter one. I really hope you enjoyed, please review! :D

"Mark!" I cried out one last time before my release. After we lay side by side panting from a moment or two before I pulled him close and buried my head in his shoulder. "God, Mark that was amazing...after all those long lonely nights in that shelter. I missed you so much."

Mark had that dreamy after sex look in his eyes. He began running his fingers through my hair lazily.

"Well, I'm here now so you don't need to worry."

That was right he was here now. After it all, he was here, I was in his arms again and was never happier.

My heart started to sink a little as time went on. I was downright gitty over the fact that we were not dirt poor anymore. But still uncertain about our relationship. I think Mark was doubting me, at first this upset me, but really who could blame him. Though he said nothing the like actions seemed to tell my that his mind was tied down with negative thoughts. Maybe he thought that things would just go back to way they were, me treating him like a personal slave. I was never going to let that happen. 

"I just don't understand!" I put my head down on the front counter. Tony had kept trying to get me to leave for the past hour I, however started a little pity party by going on and on about my relationship problems. "I've done everything I can think of. I mean I'm not mad at him because I understand where he's coming from. And he's never come out and said, 'You haven't changed at all,' or 'I don't trust you.' But he just... it's like when you know someone so well you can just tell what they're thinking. But I'm at a total loss at what to do. I say that I love him all the time why doesn't that mean something?"

Tony laughed.

"Oh, I'm glad that you find my troubles funny, that's nice."

"Man, you are a drama queen sometimes you know that?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Look do you want my advice or not?" I nodded "Okay so you've told me a lot about this Mark guy, and by the sounds of it, you really love him."

"Yes of course I do!"

"Well, why do you love him?"

"Why do I love him? He's- he's the best. He's smart, handsome, he makes me laugh, and he understands me better than I do. He's loyal, comforting...he's done so much for me. Big things..." I was again hit with the memory of Mark holding me all night as I was going through withdraw. "all the small things..." Mark's smile, him trying to make me smile when I was down. "That's why I love him."

"Exactly."

"What?"

"You love him because of everything he's done. Not everything he's said. Hey, you could tell the guy you love him 'til you're blue in the face, but it means nothing until you do something to prove you love him."

A thought hit me. It was a big idea, but I knew I had to do it, I knew I wanted to do it. It just felt right.

It was a rainy morning. I left Mark in bed and left the apartment, I didn't go anywhere I simply walked up and down the stairs over a dozen times trying to think of a proper way to put it. My heart was hammering so hard I couldn't take it anymore. I had been doing the same thing all week. I couldn't even be in the same room as him. Really the only time we saw each other was late when I would sneak into bed. I opened the door my breath rattling in my chest. Mark had his back to me looking at the drops hitting the windows.

"Mark?" I said way too loudly. He jumped and looked at me.

"Oh, hi." There was I bit of tension in his voice.

"Sit down, there-there's something I want to say."

He sat looking a bit blank.

Before sitting too, I slid my hand in my coat pocket and wrapped my hand around it.

"So..." Mark looked around the room. "Does this have anything to do with the fact that you've been out all day this week?"

"Yes. Yes it does. There's something I need to say but I'm-well I'm a afraid...I'm afraid of what you'd say."

His suddenly fearful eyes shoot to mine. Their pure ocean blue color made me forgot for a moment what I was to say. I remembered, no I couldn't look him in the eye as I said it, I didn't have the guts.

"Tell me." He said in a low voice.

"Mark I love you! All of you, and I almost lost you, that was the most terrifying time of my life." I held it even tighter. "I never want to be parted from you again." I practically fell to the floor and got in front of him.

I looked down not wanting to meet his gaze. I pulled out the sliver ring.

"W-will you marry me?" I forced the words out of my throat. Silence. I looked up, Mark's head was turned away, resting his forehead in his hand. Oh God, this was just what I was worried this would happen.

"Awhile ago you said you wanted commitment. Well I was a jerk to you, but now, thats the only thing I want. I want to commitment to you, and only you. I want to spend every second I have left on this earth with you...and I know this has been said before, but if you say yes you'll make me the happiest man in the world." I held out the ring, Mark was unmoved.

"Mark, please say something, I understand if you don't want this but-"

He let out a loud gasp, that almost sounded like he was choking. He turned to face me. His cheeks were red, mouth slightly parted with tears falling from his eyes.

"Tears? Am I that bad?" Mark laughed trying to get his breath back.

"You don't mean this." He was half laughing.

"I do."

"No, because I-I want this more than anything, this-this can't be real."

"So you still want this?" I was a bit shocked, shocked and overjoyed. He cried even harder.

"Yes, yes Roger I do, I will." I took his hand and slide on the ring. I wiped away his tears as he admired it. I kissed him more passionately as I ever had. Mark wrapped himself around me so tightly my heart felt it might burst. "I love you, Roger so much...I never thought you the type to settle down."

"I never thought I'd meet 'the one. Love you too Mark.'" I kissed him again.

We spent the rest of the morning cuddling on the coach both of us warm and happy with the simple thought that we had each other forever.


End file.
